Lost.

Soon , if these thoughts doesn't ends , soon , soon i will lose myself , being able to control myself . I know , this is something i wanted even after i told you , i knew you will be there as a friend , i am happy about it but why , why do i feel different. Maybe I know things is different now , we used to talk almost everything, now i guess , there is pull backs .

I felt that i am losing myself too , everyday , every single fucking day , is to sleep as late as possible to make myself more tired the next day , so that i couldn't have any time to have any thoughts late night but just tiredness and all i could do next during night just lied flat on the bed without any thoughts.

I am not myself , this isn't the way , I hoped that day i didn't do that on impulse but I guess I did.

Sometimes , I just hate it when i attached myself to someone. putting efforts and more efforts but isn't enough or can i say is enough to be a good friend.

I know , you will be there but deep inside , i want to escape , I see myself don't have the face to face you but no this isn't what i truly wanted , conflicting with my mind and heart at the same time , i don't know what i wanted really.

I am losing myself , losing the ability to control myself , i am just a living person without its soul just know what i needed to do in life. that's all.

I hate this. Change my mindset isn't gonna take a day but i know it does take months or even years . I believe i can do it and i need to . endure. endure more i need to.