Maybe the things that i failed too much is,

I failed to make you smile while others are able to bring it to you.

yet I am still holding on this small tiny hope.

Endurance

Always , Always endured till the end, believe that everything that happen made my strong.

But Somehow, I am tired of it.

I just wanna give up at some point.

Petendance

It's killing me.
Every time , I need to tell myself. Is alright and don't bother much with it and pretend it's okay. It's like taking a knife stabbing oneself as I know it is not right for me but it's the only right thing to do.

I am never tired but I am just too tired to pretend more. I am tired to find excuses to make myself alright while what I felt is not alright.

Time and I am willing to do that.

Lost.

Soon , if these thoughts doesn't ends , soon , soon i will lose myself , being able to control myself . I know , this is something i wanted even after i told you , i knew you will be there as a friend , i am happy about it but why , why do i feel different. Maybe I know things is different now , we used to talk almost everything, now i guess , there is pull backs .

I felt that i am losing myself too , everyday , every single fucking day , is to sleep as late as possible to make myself more tired the next day , so that i couldn't have any time to have any thoughts late night but just tiredness and all i could do next during night just lied flat on the bed without any thoughts.

I am not myself , this isn't the way , I hoped that day i didn't do that on impulse but I guess I did.

Sometimes , I just hate it when i attached myself to someone. putting efforts and more efforts but isn't enough or can i say is enough to be a good friend.

I know , you will be there but deep inside , i want to escape , I see myself don't have the face to face you but no this isn't what i truly wanted , conflicting with my mind and heart at the same time , i don't know what i wanted really.

I am losing myself , losing the ability to control myself , i am just a living person without its soul just know what i needed to do in life. that's all.

I hate this. Change my mindset isn't gonna take a day but i know it does take months or even years . I believe i can do it and i need to . endure. endure more i need to.

Shouldn't I be happy ? shouldn't be I happy for you? Why I don't feel this way. I have done what i have suppose to do but it make me more regret because I wish i didn't tell you at all.

Sometimes being too honest isn't good at all.

I spoiled a group of friends and I feel nothing but pain. Time doesn't stop ticking , I need to be stronger but no I can't do it. I am stupid , stupid enough to treat every single people the same way that no one ever find out I treat another individual special.

I am a fool , totally a fool.

I am dawned to what i am suppose do but all i can feel is pain.

Believe

The things that come most quickly into your life are the things you believe in the most.  You can bring to you only what you believe,  so you must believe to receive what you want.

Wrong timing at a wrong period , i only hope everything is fine and the fault is at my end , shouldn't have told things at wrong period of time. its my fault and not anyone's fault.

And i have never weaver my heart. I am still waiting for a right moment.

Story of my life.

Been wanting to update this site for a while now but have been bus ever since the last post. which was in August ? I guess.

Well just turn 22 just a month ago and have been a bless with such a lovely group of friends, especially my Y1S1 friends , L2OP and Sidetrack. Now its been clear , who's the angels and who's the devils in my life. It's really a tough journey in life, Knowing who is true to you but as time goes by , It will be clear to oneself that those who stand by you throughout the your toughest period, they are the ones that are true.

Well , I have found mine , Although i can say its not a lot but they are what they are.

Here's a little story of my life:

When I was young , I didn't have a good childhood. 

I was placed to my grandmother house to live with her when I was born as both of my parents was busy with work and my parents think that I should be there because They have my brother around and causing a mess for them already, hence I was placed there until 3 years old when I actually know how to walk and talk then they decide to bring me back.

Despite of everything , my parents are money-oriented, they still keep working and the only source of communication in the family is my brother , I am been sticky to my brother until the age of 14. In the process of growing up, My dad failed in his business and needed to close down his business and became and taxi driver. He always been busy, he didn't have much time with the family because of money, he tolled all his life working and working. Got into a lot of debts due to his business and frequent accidents when he's a taxi driver. He worked hours for repaying those debts. He's a smoker just like I am. He's relationship with the family isn't good at all, frequent quarrels with my mum build up more hatred for me and my brother as we always stand towards my mum's side as he is the one who cause all the debts in the family and my mum needed to pay his debts. This caused me and my brother, didn't acknowledge him as our father as he would sometimes blame us for the cause of everything, telling us that feeding us isn't easy and maintaining this family isn't easy.

At some point of time , I realise my hatred toward's him is all wrong , totally wrong but to the point of time , it's all too late, he passed away when I was the age of 17. I realise , I didn't put myself in his shoes why he tolled so much why he have such temper at us. I was totally wrong and I am partially guilty of his death. I cursed him to die. Just before 2 weeks his death , I cursed him , to die early and that would caused the problem of this family will cease and cursed him is not because of this reasons but is just out of my temper for locking me home. Which made me regret in my life a lot even till now. Sometime at night , i would have nightmares. I can't get over it.

I was rebellious back then, that caused 

After , I started to change , I attended school more often , studied hard for my O Levels but eventually still caused me to stopped my tracks as I failed my English I couldn't go anywhere. I didn't give up , i wanted to prove to my dad that i will make it, I will make a better future to myself assured that i wouldn't let my future family end up like he does. Eventually it ended up to where I am , Republic Poly . I worked hard for my results, yes i still miss lesson but i worked hard for my UT  to get better results. I can say that my results is not the best but at least i can say i worked hard for it and i can be proud of it .

Now that the journey is ending ,I am grateful of people I have met . People I have met and left. Realising is the bad part after all because it gave me much more focus of what I needed in life .

Now that I am partially crippled. I cherish things I do much more . I look at things more carefully . 

I will eventually be a burden to people. I know it one day .

Graduate-soon-to-be

After so long with countless of sleepless night and countless of hardwork, my life as a poly student is coming to an end and now i am stepping out of school to face the society now to work as an intern although is just intern , i just hope everything will be fine and get to learn something in IT.

I am hype for graduation in May next year and step into another phrase of my life. Serving the nation like any other guys in my country does.

Everything.

I am trying, trying hard . Everything seems so blur ahead didn't knew what's next , school , work and life burns out every single time of my life , I don't regret but sometimes I knew that I need to take a break but I can't stop anything. 

Results is bad for this semester and my dream to uni is further now, I am worried. I made a long way to here, I Skipped school yes but for UTs i have put in more efforts then ever but what for working so hard where result doesn't get what I wanted. 

Needs to reconsider.

Q2 of 2012

Life has been good , untill recent happening , Friday got sent back from work due to hair color and ny hair has been this color since long ago till now they catches me. ANd now I am on the verge of losing this job after commit so much to this job . Well , hope result after 2 weeks would be back to normal . I could start work asap .

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Suppose to be in bed now and waking up at this hour meaning there goes my bed time . So much for planning to sleep early today . Well have been spending time at home and not going anywhere far .still wishing to get away from this country but i have not enough cash this month . Next month would be a better one i hope ? because bonus pay will be in and also school will be starting .

Life has been great , No worries and burdens since its holiday now ,also preventing myself from bothering over stuff letting it to takes it's nature course. I used to forced things ended things to be screw up , this time I wouldn't wanna things to be turned out this way .

I really wanted to let you know but I know this time I have to take a step back because I knew this is not my chance at all or i can say no chance at all . Just hoping for a little hope i guess ? Ha no matter what , I really need to pull myself up and stop falling into situations that i don't wanna be in anymore .

friends have be telling me how many years i have got ? I guess my only answer is my whole life is my time , I can spend my whole life waiting for the right one .

I knew it impossible but I just totally felt Things not suppose to left hanging down there . I never try i will never know .

I really have been working hard here i really wish my results won't disappoint me .

Well , This semester has came to a end and now is only left with UT3 which is next week , I felt so glad that i have known alot of people this 1 year in my poly life , on top of that I am glad i am able to get a GPA 3 and above well now is only left with the UT .

good luck guys !

Life hasn't been great , fuck it . UTs is such a burden .

2011

Alright I think is kinda of late over here , but still its the 2nd month of the 2012 .

Well , 2011 its kind of bad for me , with all those tight schedule i have , I totally got no time for enjoyment , Work on the weekends and weekdays is all for school . Hell enough and guess what ? the last day of 2011 i got fine for littering what a great way to end the year but oh well shall not complain much .

1st month of 2012 hasn't been a good one , have been working and studying for the past weeks and now UT3 is coming which i do not have more time to relax at all . 75 problems to remember in 7 days no time , no time .

school has been great , Knew more friends and didn't expect that 15 weeks will fly pass so easily well hope that we still keep in touch after this sem .

I didn't know what to do but indeed i can feel that i have fallen totally.

Mugging period

Finally , I have already finish my 1st sem of school , the past 4 month has been a great one with all the classmates I have . Although we know bearly for few months we are so close that we knew each other for years . I am glad to know them and thankful to each and everyone . All of the laughters , disagreements in our presentations and outing with the close one will be always be a great memory to me .

Well , Finishing the Term doesn't mean that is holiday now , I am into the 4th UT in the mids of my 'Holiday' . This week has been really a tight schedule for me, Every Single day , I have been staying up late looking through my notes for the paper next day . Is really hard but at the same time I am happy with it because The feeling of mugging for papers are back .

Okay, Enough of talking over here , I have work to do ! till then !