Time After Time

Zero

Finally , those torturous working hours in office and retail audits has ended and i am done with the company, now that i still have 1 week to commit back for promoter . I can see more rest for myself coming weeks before enlisting. TATA that's it.

I felt nothing but empty, these hope,miracle and faith that i always cling too always fail me. I am gonna be more aware of situations from now on.

Maybe the things that i failed too much is,

I failed to make you smile while others are able to bring it to you.

yet I am still holding on this small tiny hope.

Endurance

Always , Always endured till the end, believe that everything that happen made my strong.

But Somehow, I am tired of it.

I just wanna give up at some point.

Petendance

It's killing me.
Every time , I need to tell myself. Is alright and don't bother much with it and pretend it's okay. It's like taking a knife stabbing oneself as I know it is not right for me but it's the only right thing to do.

I am never tired but I am just too tired to pretend more. I am tired to find excuses to make myself alright while what I felt is not alright.

Time and I am willing to do that.

Lost.

Soon , if these thoughts doesn't ends , soon , soon i will lose myself , being able to control myself . I know , this is something i wanted even after i told you , i knew you will be there as a friend , i am happy about it but why , why do i feel different. Maybe I know things is different now , we used to talk almost everything, now i guess , there is pull backs .

I felt that i am losing myself too , everyday , every single fucking day , is to sleep as late as possible to make myself more tired the next day , so that i couldn't have any time to have any thoughts late night but just tiredness and all i could do next during night just lied flat on the bed without any thoughts.

I am not myself , this isn't the way , I hoped that day i didn't do that on impulse but I guess I did.

Sometimes , I just hate it when i attached myself to someone. putting efforts and more efforts but isn't enough or can i say is enough to be a good friend.

I know , you will be there but deep inside , i want to escape , I see myself don't have the face to face you but no this isn't what i truly wanted , conflicting with my mind and heart at the same time , i don't know what i wanted really.

I am losing myself , losing the ability to control myself , i am just a living person without its soul just know what i needed to do in life. that's all.

I hate this. Change my mindset isn't gonna take a day but i know it does take months or even years . I believe i can do it and i need to . endure. endure more i need to.

Shouldn't I be happy ? shouldn't be I happy for you? Why I don't feel this way. I have done what i have suppose to do but it make me more regret because I wish i didn't tell you at all.

Sometimes being too honest isn't good at all.

I spoiled a group of friends and I feel nothing but pain. Time doesn't stop ticking , I need to be stronger but no I can't do it. I am stupid , stupid enough to treat every single people the same way that no one ever find out I treat another individual special.

I am a fool , totally a fool.

I am dawned to what i am suppose do but all i can feel is pain.